Making a new friend is one of the happiest experiences of childhood, but the process is not always simple. For some kids, finding and keeping friends can be a daunting challenge. Luckily, you can aid the process considerably by providing opportunities, support, and encouragement. You can also redirect behavior and help your child figure out what to do when they get stuck.

What you can驶t do, though, is pick friends for your child; nor should you push them into situations they驶re not comfortable with. 鈥淚 don鈥檛 think you should take it as my child鈥檚 social world depends on me,鈥� says , a Princeton, NJ-based psychologist and author of more than a dozen books for parents and kids, including . For kids, Kennedy-Moore has a whole series of books and podcasts including and the podcast .

鈥淔riendship is one place where kids actually have autonomy. You can鈥檛 thrust kids into friendship, but you can create opportunities and see if they hit it off.鈥� It’s not always easy to rein in your protective instincts, but over-managing your child驶s social life can seriously backfire. For example, she says, when parents praise a child as a particularly good choice as a friend, kids may bristle and reject them outright.

There are plenty of other actions you can take, though, to help your child make friends, resolve conflicts, and develop lasting relationships. Your support, encouragement, and comfort are powerful forces that can help your child develop the social-emotional intelligence they’ll need to make and keep friends throughout their lives.

Help your child learn how to start conversations

Even as adults with decades of practice, we often feel nervous when approaching someone we hope to get to know better. So it鈥檚 no wonder our kids hesitate to start conversations with potential friends.

To help, suggest entry points and conversation starters, such as:

  • Finding common interests. Remind your child that they share a common interest with the person they want to be friends with. For example, 鈥淵ou and Sophia both play basketball. What鈥檚 something about basketball that you might talk to Sophia about?鈥�
  • Asking about the other person鈥檚 interests and experiences. Spend some time brainstorming together what certain kids are interested in. For example, Sam likes comics, video games, and TikTok. Jane likes ballet, gymnastics, and squishmallows. Tell your child that people tend to like to talk about themselves, so your child can start conversations by asking questions about something they know their potential friend is interested in. So your child may ask Sam what their favorite comic character or video game is, or Jane how long she鈥檚 been dancing or what her favorite squishmallow is.
  • Covering common ground. What is going on right now that both kids are experiencing? A tough class? The first snow? A holiday or three-day weekend that鈥檚 coming up? Brainstorm how your child may find common ground with a potential friend by bringing up something funny that happened in school or on a TikTok everybody has seen.

All of these ideas can be fleshed out by brainstorming together. As you brainstorm, try to let your child lead with ideas and refinements. You want to help build your child鈥檚 confidence by showing that you believe in them and their ideas. Of course you should participate and offer ideas — and you should redirect if one of your child鈥檚 ideas has the potential to do more harm than good. But the more your child leads these brainstorms, the more capable they鈥檒l be of coming up with conversation starters in the future.

Of course, you may hear the well known wail, 鈥淚 don驶t know what to say,鈥� in which case it can help to come up with scripts for potential conversation starters and even role play them with your child. With an older child, try watching a show or movie together and pausing when characters start conversations. Sure, those are all scripted, but pausing to notice and talk about what you both hear can be helpful in terms of understanding the give and take of starting and holding conversations.

Help your child find their tribe

If your child驶s efforts don驶t find a welcome, it can be discouraging, but it may be that they are choosing kids to approach who aren驶t necessarily the best candidates. Kids need help finding their tribe, Kennedy-Moore says.

School should not be the only source of friendships for your child. Why? Sometimes school just isn驶t the easiest place for some kids to find friends. But also, the reality for most kids is that the feeling of fitting in at school waxes and wanes over time.

One way to support your child proactively through the ups and downs that friendships inevitably take is to give them multiple sources of friendships through extracurriculars and hobbies. For example, when things get tough socially at school, ideally your child has their friends from a sport, an art class, and a hobby or club to spend extra time with.

鈥淎ll kids appreciate being able to walk into a room and think, 鈥楬ere are people like me!鈥欌�� Kennedy-Moore says. 鈥淲hen children feel rejected by classmates, outside-of-school activities can provide a sense of comfort and belonging.鈥�

Good options for kids who are less interested in traditional activities like sports or music include: cooking, robotics, art, yoga, biking, martial arts, and music. Summer camps are particularly good for bringing your child in contact with a new social group. For older kids, clubs, hobbies, part-time jobs, and volunteer work can be a good chance to connect with like-minded peers. Organized activities also help kids who struggle with one-on-one encounters because the built-in structure frees them from having to think up things to say and do.

Teach social skills

Some of the best ways to be likable are also some of the simplest. Take kindness, for example. 鈥淚t鈥檚 really hard to mess up kindness and everyone likes it when someone says or does something nice,鈥� Kennedy-Moore says. 鈥淎 sincere compliment is a really good way to start off, because we all feel good when people appreciate us. Or if you see someone struggling with something, you can step in and help, or share something. These little acts of kindness signal openness to friendship and other kids will respond.鈥�

Positivity is another relatively simple trait that kids can learn to recognize and strive for. 鈥淩esearch shows that companies will always choose to promote the upbeat person who gets along with everybody over the one who is brilliant but miserable, and it鈥檚 the same thing on the playground,鈥� Kennedy-Moore says.

Teaching social skills can require more coaching if a child is doing something that驶s frustrating or irritating other kids. 鈥淪ometimes it驶s the way your child is behaving, and to help them generate that self-awareness you have to point it out,鈥� says Chicago psychiatrist Dr. John Duffy, author of multiple books for parents, including and his latest, . 鈥淵ou might say 驶Hey, you’re actually talking a lot and I find that I can’t get my thoughts in. So can you slow down a little bit for me?鈥�

Foster empathy

If there驶s one quality that underlies pretty much every positive social interaction and healthy relationship, it’s empathy. Understanding another child驶s point of view makes it much easier to compromise and find middle ground when there’s a disagreement or conflict.

Empathy is also a useful tool in situations where your child鈥檚 behavior is actually interfering with social success, such as 鈥渃lass clown鈥� antics that irritate or annoy the teacher or other kids. 鈥淵ou can help your child imagine other peoples鈥� perspectives by asking them, 鈥楥an you tell me, why do you think the teacher doesn鈥檛 like it when you crack jokes while they鈥檙e talking?鈥� Kennedy-Moore says. 鈥淭rying to be funny is a very risky social strategy, because we all love when someone makes us laugh, but if you try to be funny and you鈥檙e a little bit off then you鈥檙e just annoying.鈥�

Encourage playdates and social activities

To help your child find friends and deepen connections, you need to understand the importance of social skills and provide opportunities to develop them, such as planning playdates and encouraging your child to join classes, teams, and groups. Before a playdate, talk with your child about things the other kids on the outing like to do. Remind them that Julia loves to bike and Zaden loves being silly.

After a friend goes home or an activity ends, review how it went with your child, asking their impressions and opinions. When it comes to offering your own thoughts, focus heavily on the positive, praising your child驶s efforts and singling out specific things they said and did that demonstrated social awareness. You might say that you noticed how well your child took turns, and that it was nice when they let their guest choose the snack.

Build your child鈥檚 resilience

It’s not easy to see your child sad or hear that they got their feelings hurt. Your first instinct may be to try to protect your child from such experiences. But not only is that pretty much impossible, it’s also not a good idea. Your child has to experience their own ups and downs to develop resilience and inner strength.

Another instinct that can backfire is the urge to comfort by minimizing the importance of something painful. For example, when your child is excluded from a birthday party, it鈥檚 not helpful to say 鈥渋t probably wasn驶t a good party anyway鈥� or 鈥淚t’s their loss,鈥� when your child experiences rejection. Instead, you want to help your child acknowledge their feelings, manage their emotions, and find their inner strength to carry on.

鈥淎s parents today, we’re more tuned into our kids emotionally than parents of the past, and we don’t want them to be suffering. Too often I find that parents talk kids out of the reality they are experiencing,鈥� Duffy says. 鈥淢ost every kid goes through something that is mortifying early in their life, and the goal in my mind is not really to remedy that, but just to talk about it and help them manage their emotions. Because if they can build their confidence and resilience, then they can deal with these things as they come. And in the end, we’re not looking to solve every single one of our kids驶 problems and get them invited to the party, we鈥檙e looking to develop the emotional intelligence skills necessary for them to be successful, not just now but forever.鈥�

Duffy recommends sparking these conversations by sharing stories of your own childhood and teenage years that show your child you’ve gone through many of the difficult experiences they’re having and have come out of them okay.

Help your child learn how to resolve conflicts with friends

As a parent, you may find your role isn驶t always clear. While you may wish you could be a coach assigning roles and directing strategy, most of the time you驶ll find yourself on the sidelines, holding towels, helping to maintain the playing field, cheering the wins, and commiserating over the losses.

鈥淚 tell parents, if there驶s one thing you do that makes a difference, it’s to be present and available for your kids,鈥� Duffy says. 鈥淵ou want to let them know, 驶Hey, I’m not necessarily going to be able to solve your problems, but I am here as an ally and a guide when you need me. And when you want to talk about something, I will acknowledge and validate everything you have to say if it makes sense, and every once in a while I’ll challenge you. And if you’d like, I’ll work with you to problem-solve that, but I’m not going to do it alone. We’re going to do it together.鈥�

If your child is easily irritated or frustrated, or you notice them being critical of other kids, it驶s best to address it directly and help your child see how these behaviors can lead to problems. 鈥淵ou might ask 驶How do you think it makes the other child feel when you say that驶 or you may need to call them on it directly and tell them it’s unkind,鈥� says Kennedy-Moore. 鈥淭hen you can ask questions like, 鈥榃hat could you do instead?, or 鈥楬ow can we prevent this?鈥�, or 鈥榃hat can you do to make it right?鈥欌��

It鈥檚 also useful to introduce the idea of forgiveness. 鈥淚t鈥檚 very easy to see what everyone else is doing wrong. Some kids seem to collect their grievances like beads on a string,鈥� says Kennedy-Moore. 鈥淏ut we need to help them see that that鈥檚 not being a very good friend, and there are times when it鈥檚 better to let something go.鈥� To teach this skill, she recommends what she calls forgiveness guidelines. 鈥淚f something happened and it鈥檚 not a big deal, let it go. If the friend is sorry, let it go. If it happened by accident, let it go.鈥�

The role of technology and social media in friendships

Like it or not, smartphones and other devices are here to stay. It鈥檚 important for parents to realize the negative impact that too much time on the devices can have on a child驶s social development. There驶s just no substitute for face-to-face communication when it comes to reading social cues like body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice. Kids who spend a lot of time online miss out not only on opportunities for fun, but also on developing skills like eye contact and the verbal give and take of conversation. Distraction is another issue; when kids are constantly checking their messages or playing games, they aren驶t paying attention to what驶s going on around them, which can be physically dangerous and emotionally isolating.

As kids begin to use social media, they may become more self-critical as they compare themselves to the endless flow of airbrushed and edited images (and their weekend plans to the highlight reels of others鈥� plans). And because people tend to curate a self-image that contains only the fun, exciting parts of their lives, they may develop unrealistic expectations for how they should look and even what their day-to-day lives should be like.

Worst of all, technology opens up all sorts of possibilities for cyberbullying and online harassment, so you want to keep your eyes and ears open for any indication of distorted expectations, low self-esteem, and trouble.

Remember, your child may feel scared, angry, or ashamed if they驶re the subject of hurtful comments or gossip, possibly believing it驶s their fault, and therefore might not tell you. Be vigilant in watching for mood changes and signs of stress, and don驶t be afraid to ask if something驶s going on.

Lead by example

In parenting, there is no strategy more effective than modeling the behaviors you want to see. When it comes to social skills, your child will base their idea of social interaction on what they see and hear around them.

鈥淚 encourage parents to remember that your kids are always paying attention,鈥� Duffy says. 鈥淭hey’re listening at home, when you’re on the phone, and they’re hearing how you talk about other people, your relatives, your spouse, your ex. So if they hear empathy coming from you, that’s a super powerful model for them. If they hear that you驶re vitriolic about somebody you just got off the phone with, then you are modeling that for them. We’re all a little guilty of that, we get a little gossipy, we get a little snippy, but I think if we can keep ourselves in check, that role modeling is huge for kids.鈥�

Throughout elementary school and the tween and teen years, your child鈥檚 friendships will inevitably face challenges like disagreements, losing shared interests, making new friends, embarking on new interests, and growing apart. But by showing and coaching your child how to be a good listener, be kind, feel empathy, negotiate differences, and solve conflicts, you can give them the tools to navigate the hard times and build on the good ones. At the same time, keeping up your own friendships and being a responsible and supportive member of your family and community is the best ongoing class in social skills you can teach your child.